Twilight In A Nutshell
by Keirae Huruma
Summary: A quick look at what the books are truly about. spoof


A/N: So I MODERATELY like the series but I also like to spoof so here you go. Nom on this for a little bit.

TWILIGHT IN A NUTSHELL

I got to school my first day and it was intensely and painfully awful. Everyone knew my name, and for the first time in my life I was actually POPULAR! Everyone wanted to just talk to me and introduce themselves. I hate how all these people call me Isabella. Bella is so much more original. Then I had three guys flirting with me. But I say NO! I have my eye on a much more gooder man in the school.

So what he hates me. Do I take a hint? NO! I don't care if he sat at the side of his seat, trying as hard as he could to stay away from me. I don't care if he darted out of the door as soon as the bell rung and I do not CARE that I found him asking for a schedule change. Still I look lustfully for him and his family at lunch.

"Hello my name is Bella," I had said to him. He looked to me and his eyes screamed "fuck you". I don't know why. Maybe its because I'm so ugly? No Bella, don't get ahead of yourself.

The strangest thing happened a few days later though, after a very conspicuous absence in which I heard that three animals bodies were found further north drained of all blood the boy came back. We had a conversation. Can you imagine? Me! Having a conversation with this guy that won't take anyone for a girlfriend! How lucky could one person be, right?

Then I almost got killed! Yeah it was super mega awesome scary. But he came out of nowhere, picked me up in his stupid shiny Volvo and we were off. I didn't question how he had found me right away though, that would have been rude

"Hey, how did you find me?" I questioned over dinner which he carefully avoided.

"I read minds!" he told me.

"That's super mega awesome, yo!" I said back to him with a deep lust in my voice. I moved my eyebrows up and down with intensity in my eyes and leaned in on the table "I know what you are." I more than moaned at him. he pressed his finger to my lips.

"Shhh… don't speak… your breath carries your scent and I cannot bear to be around you and take in such an intoxicating scent." I smiled at him

I quickly rushed to the bathroom, inconspicuously, and applied three layers of deodorant and found a toothbrush in the trash. Hygiene is important. *thumbs up*

(I am Bella Swan and I approve of this message)

So later we decided to go home and wow our conversation revealed his secret! HES A VAMPIRE! Awmahgaw! Can you imagine? Me and a Vampire in the same car! What's next? Werewolves? Jamaicans? Red headed evil vampires out to get me? What are the odds?

So… he sparkles too. Who needs diamonds when your man sparkles in the sun, right? Though I was seconds away from yelling "He went to Jared!" and busting into laughter. I mean, come on, what kind of vampire doesn't burst into flame huh? It sounds like someone tried to write a really good story but failed epically with the inclusion of sparkling vampires. It WOULD have been bad ass, maybe, but it just ends up being every girls dream. But don't listen to me, this shits reality bitches!

So me and him are uber close. Its like, I never want him to leave me. He even watches me while I sleep which, when you think about it, isn't really all that creepy. I mean, Sure, I wake up and he's near me, moving his jaw in awkward ways inches from my neck but its only because he truly loves me and can't stand to be away. Come on, you can't expect a vampire to not watch you while you sleep if he can't sleep in the first place, am I right or am I right?

(Me: Your wrong, its creepy)

Anyways so we went to play baseball the other day and guess what! I met an authentic Jamaican guy! And some creepy dude sniffed me. I asked Edward if they were out to get me, which they are and I don't quite understand. Why are vampires so interested in me? I mean all I am is a hunk of flesh and blood. Nothing to special there! For all they care I'm a useless know nothing lowlife who has a ton of friends but appreciates none of them cause I have a mega super awesome hot boyfriend with lopsided nipples! But that's beside the point, point is I'm special enough to be chased

So I got tricked after that… like my mom didn't realize someone was going into her house and stole my baby videos and I got knocked around real bad. It hurt, like broken bones and stuff. But then, lo and behold, my knight in shining honor * came and saved me and ripped the bad vampire to shreds. My arm burned, it sucked. Or should I say HE sucked, he he.

So now I'm in a hospital, badly injured. But he is still by me, fake sleeping so my family thinks he's not a vampire. He's told me he will never leave me, Even if I started bleeding and one of his family members were to try and kill me. He promised me that the red headed girl would never hunt me down or try and find me and I would never find out what werewolves were, or who they were. Isn't that fantastic? I think its wonderful that he's promising me all these things and I trust him, knowing that he wouldn't lie to me

I love my cold, dead, heartless, diamond boyfriend.

(Oh his eyes are pretty too)

*The night in shining honor thing was on purpose just fyi

Hope you enjoyed! Please R&R


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